Over the past month I have been trying to change many things about myself. I’ve grown tired of always looking the same. The only thing is I am not where I want to be in order to make these changes 100%. Yet. Ive been sticking to a lifestyle change that has me eating in ways I never really could have before. I never really was big on over eating. I drank all my calories with sodas. Now here I am eating tons of protein, fruits and veggies. Only now I actually enjoy it.
Over the past year I have come to the conclusion that many things in my life had to change. My feelings, my lifestyle, my sense of fashion or lack thereof. lol. It feels nice to wear smaller clothes. Nicer clothes. New shoes and of course new shirts. I’m just not ready to the change yet. I can’t wait for the day I can wear casual form fitting t-shirts and not feel shitty about how I look. For years I’ve been told im not fat. People say things like that to make you feel better when in actuality they do think you are fat. I had one friend flat out tell me I was fat. I didn’t get mad though. At least not at her. I got mad at myself for being a fuck up. For letting myself go for so many years. Once an athletic guy who didn’t have to worry about weight and now so upset with how much I have gained.
Depression is a real thing. I think I can safely say I have overcome much of it but I do fall into slumps here and there. I think I am sort of in it now. Yet I still feel confident enough to continue with my daily life and new way of living. I don’t have the support from my family. Just Facebook and Instagram friends. Its kind of sad that the people you care about the most, family and friends, just don’t care anymore. As I’ve said before though….you just have to move on and let it go. People will care for you and support you. Then one day you don’t fit into their life and you’re just a distant memory…if even that.
Earlier tonight I was standing around at the bar of the restaurant I visit regularly. My friends Amber, Gabe, Michael and Johnny work there. These are the people I probably see most often than my own family. Many of them recognized changes in my weight, my appearance and my overall attitude. Honestly not much has changed I just got sick of being fat and predictable. In the past 3.5 years or so I have seen many people come and go from there. Some im still friends with and others not so. It’s hard for me to unfriend someone because I care too much for people. It takes a lot of hate, anger, resentment or whatever before I decide to remove someone from my life. Sadly, some family and friends removed themselves from mine. It hurts me daily to know that I lost them. I miss them dearly. I try too hard to stay in the good graces of those I care about. The fear of losing someone scares me. It happens though.
When people let you go from their lives its for good. That bond will never be the same. Just let them be. Let them live their lives and just wish them well. Its hard but you have to do it. I struggle with this daily. There’s a song from the 90s I think from BoysIIMen called “Its So Hard to Say Goodbye….” Man it truly is.. Its hard to say goodbye to people you love and cherish. Love is not always romance. Love isn’t always about intimacy. Love is about caring for people who touch your life and make you feel special. In return to strive to make them feel special. Love is a hard trait to accept and to give. So many of us have been hurt by people that we don’t want to love or care for others. We avoid it. We build walls. We miss out on people who truly care about us because we can’t see the good in them. I only hope for all the people who let me go that one day they will realize that I am a good person. I’m a loving person that just wants the same respect back as I give to them. It’s not much to ask for. Its sad that family turns their back on you. Well in this case me. Its sad that friends let little misunderstandings change the outlook of a friendship. Its sad that family can get jealous of someone.
All my life I’ve tried to adapt to this life. This world we live in. Im not doing a very good job. Ive made so many mistakes. I’ve hurt people and ruined friendships. I’ve lost friends for reasons I don’t even know. One day a friend texts me and says “hey lets go have lunch then go shopping….” then the next she doesn’t even care to talk to me. Why? What did I do? Yet I still cared too much that when she had no where else to turn I put groceries in her home. Not even a thank you after that. But I walked away knowing I did something good even if she didn’t appreciate it. Can I be honest with you? Im sick of trying to adapt to things. Im sick of trying to be worthy enough to people. Im sick of just trying to be accepted. I won’t lie, there’s still days I wake up and grab my pistol and sit on the edge of my bed and think of putting it under my chin and pulling the trigger. Its hard to continue moving on when you don’t feel there’s much to move on for.
Ive been trying to adapt to a new life because I hate who I am. I hate what I see but I am trying to cope with who and where I am right now. So I can achieve my goals. I just want someone to care about me. Someone who wants to genuinely hang out with me. Someone who will text me and say hey what’s up lets chill or hang out. I miss having those kind of bonds. I miss being accepted. Only I have to learn to adapt and care for myself more before others will care for me. I had this mentality for the longest time that if I lose weight then perhaps someone will find me cute enough to date. That someone will want to be around me. I see so many guys that I just can’t understand how they have a girlfriend yet here I am single. But as I probably said in my last post….money doesn’t buy happiness. It buys you temporary joy. I told a friend a while back that it seems girls want either the skinny buff guy with abs who treats them like total shit or they want the really obese guy who wears cowboy hats and has a shit ton of facial hair he looks like ZZ Top. lol. I fall in the middle and it seems like there’s just no love for guys like me.
They say some people die of a broken heart. Sometimes I think that will be me. I try to adapt to this life but I think that one day when everyone I know least expects it…..they’re gonna find out that I killed myself and I won’t leave any note as to why. I want to adapt but I really don’t have much left to live for. I’ve enjoyed life. Traveled. Done my bucket list 100%. Well 99%. I gave up on ever finding love because no one will ever love a guy like me. I’m too nice. I’m not attractive. I still hope to change some things but if I fail I seriously will say don’t be surprised if you’re attending my funeral…..
Thats the depressive me speaking. I still need to find the extra strength and confidence to keep going. I wake up everyday feeling like I have a purpose in this life for now. I’ll never have what I consider the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes but I hope to….one day. I just need to keep my head up and keep doing what I am now so I can avoid that depressive state I feel. I just hope I find happiness one day. I hope I reach my goal of weight loss or at least come close to it and that someone will find me worthy of her time because ill spend lifetime showing her how much I love her…..BUT……..I have to adapt to these changes in my life. I have to continue to move forward rather than back. I have to stop thinking negative thoughts. Im not perfect. No one is. Just please let me find the strength and faith to be a better person…. Please let me find my happy place. Let me adapt into the person I dream to be……