Hearing My Father’s Music on the Radio!


So its nearly two years since my father passed away. August 25th to be exact. Saturday evening I was visiting some family and we happened to have a conversation about my father and my grandmother. They both died weeks apart. My father first then my grandmother on September 15, 2017. We. had been talking about how my grandmother would always want a cigarette or how she would change her food tastes at times. One day she loved fried chicken and the next she would say it tasted horrible. That was my grandmother.

Anyways, we went from talking about her to talking about my father. My uncle was telling me to make him a CD of my father’s music from the 70s. Of course I have plenty made to give away just in case someone asks. In fact, months after my father died I decided I wanted to do something nice for Christmas. I offered up CDs to all family and friends at no charge whatsoever! I’d even cover the postage. I purchased about 125 blanks and sent out about 110 CDs. I included a little letter thanking them for their interest in his music. After all my father loved sharing his music with people. He would always tell me, “son make me about 10 more CDs so I can pass them out.” So he would buy me the discs and I’d sit there and make them. I had upgraded to a Mac laptop which didn’t have a CD burner. He bought me an external burner just so I could make him CDs. lol.

So Saturday while I was visiting family and talking with them about my dad I figured I’d get on the Tune-In Radio app to turn on the radio. This local station 90.1 would play my dad’s music. He was friends with the DJ. Well Right as I loaded the app and tapped play, my dad’s music was already on!!!  I mean whoa!!! This made the 5th time I’ve caught his music on the air right at the same time I turned the app on. The radio station has a weak signal if you try to listen through a standard radio. So I was flattered that they played his music and that someone had requested it. The radio show is syndicated across quite a few states. Of course anyone with the app could hear. Its such an honor to hear my father’s band on the air.

At such a time when I can’t hear my father’s voice anymore physically, I still have the music. I have many of his physical 45 records stamped with the record label and all that other information. Its such an amazing feeling to have those records and to hear his voice now that he is gone. Its a true testament to his legacy. So many people tell me how great a singer he was. Always bragging about his voice and how the band perhaps played a dance for them or even their wedding. My dad’s band played for my best friends dad’s first wedding. Such amazing memories to have and to be able to hear. Makes me truly appreciate the talent my father had and how much he truly touched people with his music. One of their most prominent songs is a cover of the song Historia de Un Amor by Carlos Almaran. I’ve listened to many versions of this song on YouTube and iTunes and no one truly sang that song like my father. Perhaps Luis Miguel did but my father gave that song his own touch. So hopefully I can attach a clip of it from when I was shocked to hear it on the radio …..

Update…..

I need to upgrade my blog to add video files. lol oh well. It was still nice to hear! Well if you go to the KPFT 90.1 website and go to the archives and look up the radio show Bailando in Tejas. In the August 17, 2019 archive you can hear it. Skip forward to about 2 hours and 47 minutes and just listen. Its hard to fast forward so its best to skip to that area and let it play. You’ll hear Mr Gus Garza mention The Blue-Lites Band and how he misses my father….

 

Cheers,

Gill

Photo Aug 05, 2 01 41 AM

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Life Isn’t Always What You Expect…


You know I’ve always tried to be the voice of reason for family and friends. Giving out advice to help them along the way in life. Shit happens after all. I mean obviously I’m not a licensed nutcase doctor lol but I’ve always found joy in trying to help others. Maybe its because in the end I am not happy with my own life. That must be it right?

I haven’t had a serious relationship since 2001/2002. That ended horribly when she told me she just wasn’t into me anymore. Add to that I found out she only dated me to make another guy jealous. This Bill Gates lookin dude as I always considered him lol. Yet there was something intriguing about that guy that caught her eye. Perhaps it was his quiet, shy attitude. After we had broken up she told me she didn’t find him sexually pleasing but she kept going back to the guy and he kept using her and throwing her away after he got what he wanted….A piece of her ass! There I was…..Mr Nice Guy trying to do everything I could to make her love me again. I bought her flowers. I’d send her poems and notes of affection. Nothing worked. I felt hopeless. I felt….used. Only I don’t really think I was. She once told me when we first started dating that she would tire of guys sometimes. I guess I should have known that she would eventually get tired of me.

I’d cry myself to sleep every night curled up in a fetal position because I lost her. More so I had lost the ability to spend time with her 2 year old son. He got attached to me pretty quick. Never thought I’d get attached to a kid but I did. For nearly 4 years I’d cry myself to sleep or just lay there feeling shitty and sorry for myself. On tour I’d work and then afterwards I’d just feel sorry for myself. It was the first time in my life that I felt not worthy of someone’s love. I mean why? I treated her so well. I loved her. I’d have given her the world but I wasn’t good enough. She had her mind set on a guy and she wasn’t backing down. But that’s good though. One should never settle for less.

In all these years since 2002 I’ve rarely dated. Here and there. I actually gave up on it and decided I would just make friends with women. It’s far easier to just be friends with women than try to date them. I’ve made so many female friends and its been really great. I’ve found myself able to talk to them whenever I’ve needed. Only thing is, many of them now are either married or dating and don’t really have time anymore for me. I mean thats good for them. I’m happy for them but it leaves that void in my life again. Makes me feel unwanted like no one cares. I guess it sucks being the nice good guy because we good guys always finish last…..

In August, 25th to be exact, my father passed away from Congestive Heart Failure. His heart was only working at 30% unassisted. There was hope for him but that hope quickly was blinded by an infection. He would have to receive medication until the infection was gone before they could attempt to give him an LVAD, Left Ventricle Assist Device. This would help him to function like normal again. Give him added years to his life. The infection though brought his joy to sorrow. He decided he didn’t want the LVAD surgery nor treatment for the infection. He wanted the heart pump removed and he was ready to die. August 24th he told me he wanted to have the pump shut off. As I got to the hospital they had just finished removing it. Little did I know those hours were the final hours I’d spend with my dad. We had talks. We laughed. We watched our favorite show, Sanford and Son and of course he watched a bit of sports news and was making fun of the Houston Texans. He was a die-hard Cowboys fan. Even as that news coverage was on he wanted me to give him his Cowboys cap because he was just disgusted with the Texans lol. You’re probably wondering why I brought this up….Well, it goes along with the rest of this story…You’ll just have to keep reading, trust me.

So yes my father died August 25, 2017 and that left a huge void in my life. He was not only my father but my best friend and now he was gone. I was alone. I felt worthless. I felt like there was no reason for me to be happy anymore. I kept to myself for months. I even decided to attend the 2017 World Series. I went to nearly every game. Go Dodgers W or L! I felt a little better after all that. I had booked a trip to my favorite place, Europe. November rolled around and I was off. That was a nice two week trip. Germany, France, Belgium and Switzerland with Iceland to cap it off. You gotta go to the Blue Lagoon in Grindavik if you ever get the chance. December of 2017 brought on many emotions. November I failed to mention did as well. My dad’s birthday on the 3rd. Thanksgiving Day I spent by myself. Now it was December and my birthday and Christmas would soon be here. All these “firsts” were horrible. I had decided to finally go to therapy to speak to someone about all the emotions I had been experiencing and since then to present it has really helped me.

One thing my therapist did was tell me to try new things. I told her I wanted to get out of my comfort zone and do something different. That was for me to get out and try to be social. I did just that and in the past year since March 2018 I made so many new friends. Along the way I noticed that many of my dad’s old firefighter friends would go to the same place for dinner and drinks. It was so perfect. Or was it? It has always been nice to interact with his friends. Especially his long time friend David. He married this really awesome lady Audrey years and years ago. I first met her when they came to sit at our table with my dad and I at the annual fire department Christmas party we’d always attend. Now, he and his wife always make it a point to make sure things are good with me. I guess thats his way of paying homage to my dad by looking after me. I totally appreciate that.

So yes I made many friends. Some I got to know better than others. Some who would invite me to do things with them after they’d get off work. Only thing is I felt like I became too dependent on them. I felt like it wasn’t just their job to serve me food and drinks but to become closer friends with me. That was totally fucked up and wrong of me to think that. But it was the needy side of me needing that attention. I never wanted anything from them besides their friendship. I just honestly wanted to feel socially accepted since I hadn’t had a girlfriend or any real friends for that matter in so long. I’d go there and feel popular or accepted. Never cared on being popular. But hey I felt accepted. People seemed genuinely happy to see me. Not just the friends that worked there but even some of their guests who I knew personally or were friends of my father’s.

So many things happened though. Over the last few months or so I felt uncomfortable. Little did I know that I’d make others feel uncomfortable. That made me upset because I never wanted to do that. Never wanted to make anyone feel like I was wanting more from them. So I made the ultimate decision to walk away. For my own good and for theirs. I still pop in I guess from time to time but for now my life has to change. I have to accept this change and move on. I have to realize that that perfect feeling was too good to be true. Eventually things would fall apart and thats all on me not them. I absolutely miss seeing them often and I know they’ll understand that me popping in randomly is for reasons.

Life evolves just as we do. Nothing is guaranteed nor is happiness and love. I haven’t seeked love anymore in over 10 or so years because its too painful to realize that ill be hurt when the better guy they seek comes along. I just want to make friends male and female and hope that the women I meet know that all I’ll ever feel will be platonic. Yet I always offer my love to those I care about. You could literally throw me under the bus and I’d still come back and treat you like you matter to me because you still would. I just hope to find happiness in life again. I hope that I can accept all the changes life has put forth on me. Another chapter of my life has been written and closed. So if you’re reading this and I’ve hurt your feelings or made you uncomfortable….im sorry….there isn’t much more I can say but simply….I’m sorry.

I hope all the friends I’ve lost or lost communication with over the years will one day stop and think….”you know he was a good guy…..” I’m not perfect. I fuck up. I say shit I shouldn’t sometimes. We all do. We all do things we shouldn’t. I always strive to make everyone happy and fill my friends hearts with love, joy and happiness…I just wish someone would for once do that for me….no strings attached….I just wish I could realize my self worth and take my own advice sometimes…..Thats hard to do. Just once I’d like for someone to smile at me simply platonic and let me know that I mattered to them. That I made a difference in their life for the better….For now though, I endure and move on and only hope that one day I’ll find some sort of balance and happiness but I feel the man upstairs is set on letting me live my final days alone and sad…….

 

Photo Nov 14, 12 10 00 PM

Always On My Mind Dad……


I’ve spent the day thinking of my father and how I took him for granted sometimes. Always thinking that no matter what he’d always be here. Now nearly two years later he’s gone and all I have are some photos and memories. Mostly the music. Its haunting to hear his voice. It calms me when I feel down. Like now. I truly believe no one could sing Historia de Un Amor the way he did. There was just something about it. The way he belted out the lyrics.

I regret never really taking photos and video with him. Now I have no kind of memories to look back on. Just things I can replay in my mind. Trying to recreate the sound of his voice. Then comes the music. It truly means the world to me to hear stories about him from those that knew him. I’ve found photos I’ve never seen. Little discoveries that mean so much in such a bad time for me.

I’ve missed my father so much since that day. I’ve tried to cope with it. I’ve done ok I think. I’ve made new friends and I’ve lost some sadly. Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell him im sorry for things I did just as ive done with friends. It was never easy for me to say im sorry. I was too late with him and in other situations the same. I’ve grown since his death. I’ve become a better person but I’ve also struggled to be a better person towards people sometimes. Sometimes I took people for granted and now they’re gone from my life. That’s a lot to take in. My father would just say “you gotta move on son and think positive.” He would tell me I’d never have to apologize to him.

I’ve always been a sentimental person. I still have many little things my father gave me. Post card from Cancun and a t-shirt. A little red Camaro like mine he found at the store as a gag gift. Gift cards he gave me when he couldn’t afford to get me much. I never expected him to anyways. I look at these little items now and think they must have meant that much to me to still have them. The birthday cards with his handwriting. His never-ending supply of Dallas Cowboys shirts( I was his supplier lol) and of course his fire department shirts. I cherish every piece of his history. Every story my uncle Pete told me about them as kids after my father was gone. Now my uncle is gone too. I have none of them left. I never thought I’d be in this situation ever. Living without them. I always said just let me go first so I wouldn’t have to endure that pain.

Im trying to get past the next few months. Its harder than I thought. So many things happening in my life and I just need to sit down and talk with him as we always did while watching Sanford and Son. Now I can’t. I try to think about what he would say but its always easier said than done to follow that advice. Ive made mistakes and hurt people recently and I feel horrible for that. All I can say is please bare with me….Im sorry. I know im not perfect but please understand that right now I need whatever support I can get to get past August 25.

Why does life have to hurt so bad? Why can’t I ever find happiness in life? I try to lead by example and do things like my father did but sometimes I fail. He always said he was so proud of me but sometimes I think why? I fucked up so much in life. I guess he could see the good in me which not too many people can. My father was a one of a kind man. He truly would have sacrificed anything to help others. Thats just why I am the same. I can just never live up to the man he was. It stresses me out but I know I can’t live my life the way he did. I have to be my own person….even if it means being alone…..I’ll always accept the challenge but will struggle with the fight!

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Historia de Un Amor


Back in my fathers early days with his band the Blue-Lites, no one could sing this song in the title the way he did. I’ve heard so many versions of it on YouTube and Apple Music. No one compares to the way he sang it. I didn’t always listen to my father’s music. Then August 25, 2017 he suddenly died with me by his side and I had so much more appreciation for his music.

Sometimes I listen to his music and this song particularly because it reminds me of him. Its haunting to hear his music and his voice now. I wish I could find a really nice Spanish style guitar arrangement for this song so I could play it for fun. I’ve found a few but just not sure which one I like the most. Perhaps I’ll make my own arrangement. 11822448_1478231639141652_8140459121345311907_n

To My Roadhouse Friends……


St Catharines

I wanted to write this and I hope I don’t go too long with it because when I write I tend to keep going. lol. I wanted to tell you something. I mentioned to many of you that Friday night was my last night going for awhile. Thats true. Got to get home and get situated, furniture in place. All that stuff but one of the other reasons I am taking myself away is why I am writing this. I started going around March 2018 and over that time until present I have made many friends. Many of you we have hung out outside of the restaurant. I truly appreciate many of you for inviting me to do things like that. Means the world to me. But…..let me explain something….

I love going to Roadhouse because yes the food is good and believe me I’ve spent a lot there. That expense doesn’t matter to me because I am always in good company with good people. Not just those of you that work there but even the regulars I’ve come to know and my father’s friends I see on Thursdays and Fridays. Except something happened over the last 6-8 months or maybe even longer. I became too dependent on being there. I felt It was imperative that I be there….for myself. I enjoy being there and sharing laughs and believe me the hugs surely do make me feel better. I suffer from depression. I’m always alone. My best friend aka my father left this world August 25, 2017. Since then the only real companionship I have is coming in to hang out with you all but I’ve become too dependent on being there and sadly I became too dependent on many of you. It’s not always easy to say back off or wow that guy is here again. I began to feel that way. I took you all for granted and I’m sorry! I never wanted to get to this point but sadly I put myself right where I am now. 

In December 2017 I started going to therapy and speaking with my therapist about everything going on in my life. My depression, my loss, etc. I truly felt it was helping me and it was but I stopped going in March of this year. I just recently started going back last week. I so needed to vent to someone. I have no one to vent to. Many of you said you’re there if I ever needed anything and I appreciate that but you all have your own lives, problems, school, etc. I do not want to burden you, my friends, with my problems. I will take care of that I promise. Going back to what I said earlier, I became too dependent on you all. I’d go in and tip you all nicely and I never really stopped to think that I was literally trying to buy you all as friends. Im ashamed of that. So ashamed. I’m sorry for doing that. Money doesn’t buy happiness but for me it gets me by. Im sorry that I treated you all this way. I truly do think the world of you all and to know that I took you all for granted and tried to buy you all to make myself happy disgusts me. Even though I never noticed it please know that anything and everything I’ve done for any of you comes from my heart. Deep within I’ve had this passion to take care of people who treat me with respect. My father did it and that’s why I do so.

I’ve never wanted anything from any of you. No love, no relationships, no dates, no lets go get drunk and party….Just the ability to be able to call you my friends and know that when I walk in people would be happy to see me. The only thing is I felt so uncomfortable in the last months because I felt I was coming in way too much and sitting there way too long. So this is the other half as why I am taking a break from my comfort zone at RH. Its not you, its me. So please don’t think it has anything to do with you. I truly love you all with every fiber of my heart in a friendly way and I can’t say thank you enough for being so kind to me and even thinking of including me in your after work/day off outings. But right now I need to get away and clear my mind and heal myself. Again, I am sorry for being so dependent on you all. I promise I won’t be a stranger and I won’t be gone long. I’ll be back there again. Take care of yourselves. 

Sincerely,

Gill

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Holiday Time Again…


Wow Can’t believe its been so long since I have posted on here. I can’t even explain all the crap I’ve gone through. Nothing bad just grew lazy and to the point of sticking to a strict routine. These days all I do is either stay home and chill, skydive/wingsuit BASE and go to the gym. I can’t even remember the last time I went on an actual motorcycle trip or one in my Prevost. I have been flying though. Logging some hours here and there. Flying in a Cirrus SR22 these days. So I’m sitting here watching TV and sipping on a Miller Lite beer. eehhhhh i don’t really drink but I had bought it about two weeks ago and figured might as well drink it now.

So its December and Thanksgiving, for us Americans, has already passed. I waited so long for that single holiday and to think all I had was one….1….yes one plate of food all day. No over eating. I went back to my chicken and veggies after that. Im actually about to go through some Go Pro footage I have and probably finally post a full length view of my jump(s). The thing is I have a D license and instructor rating with over 600 jumps so I am well over the 200 threshold for camera use but I still feel like my footage isn’t totally awesome. I guess maybe needs the right music.

Anyways its already December and my birthday is coming soon as well as Xmas. For the past years I always posted how sad I would normally be around the holidays. Looks like this year will be different. Last year with all the circumstances that came about my friends daughter came to stay with me and eventually adult adoption. He passed and well his wish was for me to look after her. So after all the legal crap that all happened. So last year I wasn’t alone and this year of course she’s still around besides college and now a girlfriend. So things are looking up.

I was watching the movie One Hour Photo recently and again last night and just made me think how sad Robin Williams seemed in the movie. It didn’t seem like acting but it was really his real emotions. We look at the fact that he turned to suicide for his own reasons and thats why this movie just made me think. Of course it made me think of my own isolation. Except I didn’t get psycho crazy as he did in the movie. Yet you find out at the end why he was different from others. That movie shocked me with every scene the first time I saw it. I guess looking at where my life is now and thinking about others who will feel alone on the holiday makes me look back on my own experiences. Makes me feel sad for that. I guess you see it constantly this time of year. You see it in commercials, movies and in real life.

I guess for some odd reason I put much of my life on hold. I think its the whole kid thing but for 2017 I do plan to do more again. Trips, trips and more trips. I plan to do some trips in the Prevost, some BASE in Switzerland and France and most definitely Iceland again. Call me crazy but I wanna stand on the bridge in two continents at once again. lol I also plan to stick with my workouts and hopefully in another year or two ill be where i want to be and then maybe ill look like an idiot in my own backyard and learn to surf. lol. Gotta love beach life.

I know no one reads this blog but I still thought i’d write something. I don’t even know if ill continue writing on here. Anyways, if you’re actually reading this thanks and enjoy your holidays……

Cheers….

Its Been Awhile


I actually forgot about my blog. Figures though. I really haven’t done much lately besides skydiving and wing suit. OOOOH well and adopting an 18yo. My god daughter. I guess it doesn’t really matter. its not like I had millions of readers here anyways. Just my usual bullshit random thoughts.

Such an exciting night here at the crib. The kid and I are watching basketball and being lazy. Pizza night complete with cookies and tea. Exciting ehhh? not…lol So earlier I was editing videos and I did an edit from a wing suit flight off my Go Pro and I shit you not I darkened the video and added the Theme track to the original Lost Boys. The video is pretty bad ass. I should post it. The rear view kinda makes it look like I’m a vampire flying.

Heading to Switzerland soon. Well later this fall. Cant wait for that. We have been trying to figure out where to go on vacation. Ive taken her to South America last year. We did Iceland. Bora Bora……She mentioned Greece and Italy the other day. Maybe…Havent been in a while. Last time in Athens I loved the views from Lycabetus Hill. Was awesome.

Ok well getting off of here for now.

 

Cmon Lebron win this shit foo……

 

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