You know I’ve always tried to be the voice of reason for family and friends. Giving out advice to help them along the way in life. Shit happens after all. I mean obviously I’m not a licensed nutcase doctor lol but I’ve always found joy in trying to help others. Maybe its because in the end I am not happy with my own life. That must be it right?
I haven’t had a serious relationship since 2001/2002. That ended horribly when she told me she just wasn’t into me anymore. Add to that I found out she only dated me to make another guy jealous. This Bill Gates lookin dude as I always considered him lol. Yet there was something intriguing about that guy that caught her eye. Perhaps it was his quiet, shy attitude. After we had broken up she told me she didn’t find him sexually pleasing but she kept going back to the guy and he kept using her and throwing her away after he got what he wanted….A piece of her ass! There I was…..Mr Nice Guy trying to do everything I could to make her love me again. I bought her flowers. I’d send her poems and notes of affection. Nothing worked. I felt hopeless. I felt….used. Only I don’t really think I was. She once told me when we first started dating that she would tire of guys sometimes. I guess I should have known that she would eventually get tired of me.
I’d cry myself to sleep every night curled up in a fetal position because I lost her. More so I had lost the ability to spend time with her 2 year old son. He got attached to me pretty quick. Never thought I’d get attached to a kid but I did. For nearly 4 years I’d cry myself to sleep or just lay there feeling shitty and sorry for myself. On tour I’d work and then afterwards I’d just feel sorry for myself. It was the first time in my life that I felt not worthy of someone’s love. I mean why? I treated her so well. I loved her. I’d have given her the world but I wasn’t good enough. She had her mind set on a guy and she wasn’t backing down. But that’s good though. One should never settle for less.
In all these years since 2002 I’ve rarely dated. Here and there. I actually gave up on it and decided I would just make friends with women. It’s far easier to just be friends with women than try to date them. I’ve made so many female friends and its been really great. I’ve found myself able to talk to them whenever I’ve needed. Only thing is, many of them now are either married or dating and don’t really have time anymore for me. I mean thats good for them. I’m happy for them but it leaves that void in my life again. Makes me feel unwanted like no one cares. I guess it sucks being the nice good guy because we good guys always finish last…..
In August, 25th to be exact, my father passed away from Congestive Heart Failure. His heart was only working at 30% unassisted. There was hope for him but that hope quickly was blinded by an infection. He would have to receive medication until the infection was gone before they could attempt to give him an LVAD, Left Ventricle Assist Device. This would help him to function like normal again. Give him added years to his life. The infection though brought his joy to sorrow. He decided he didn’t want the LVAD surgery nor treatment for the infection. He wanted the heart pump removed and he was ready to die. August 24th he told me he wanted to have the pump shut off. As I got to the hospital they had just finished removing it. Little did I know those hours were the final hours I’d spend with my dad. We had talks. We laughed. We watched our favorite show, Sanford and Son and of course he watched a bit of sports news and was making fun of the Houston Texans. He was a die-hard Cowboys fan. Even as that news coverage was on he wanted me to give him his Cowboys cap because he was just disgusted with the Texans lol. You’re probably wondering why I brought this up….Well, it goes along with the rest of this story…You’ll just have to keep reading, trust me.
So yes my father died August 25, 2017 and that left a huge void in my life. He was not only my father but my best friend and now he was gone. I was alone. I felt worthless. I felt like there was no reason for me to be happy anymore. I kept to myself for months. I even decided to attend the 2017 World Series. I went to nearly every game. Go Dodgers W or L! I felt a little better after all that. I had booked a trip to my favorite place, Europe. November rolled around and I was off. That was a nice two week trip. Germany, France, Belgium and Switzerland with Iceland to cap it off. You gotta go to the Blue Lagoon in Grindavik if you ever get the chance. December of 2017 brought on many emotions. November I failed to mention did as well. My dad’s birthday on the 3rd. Thanksgiving Day I spent by myself. Now it was December and my birthday and Christmas would soon be here. All these “firsts” were horrible. I had decided to finally go to therapy to speak to someone about all the emotions I had been experiencing and since then to present it has really helped me.
One thing my therapist did was tell me to try new things. I told her I wanted to get out of my comfort zone and do something different. That was for me to get out and try to be social. I did just that and in the past year since March 2018 I made so many new friends. Along the way I noticed that many of my dad’s old firefighter friends would go to the same place for dinner and drinks. It was so perfect. Or was it? It has always been nice to interact with his friends. Especially his long time friend David. He married this really awesome lady Audrey years and years ago. I first met her when they came to sit at our table with my dad and I at the annual fire department Christmas party we’d always attend. Now, he and his wife always make it a point to make sure things are good with me. I guess thats his way of paying homage to my dad by looking after me. I totally appreciate that.
So yes I made many friends. Some I got to know better than others. Some who would invite me to do things with them after they’d get off work. Only thing is I felt like I became too dependent on them. I felt like it wasn’t just their job to serve me food and drinks but to become closer friends with me. That was totally fucked up and wrong of me to think that. But it was the needy side of me needing that attention. I never wanted anything from them besides their friendship. I just honestly wanted to feel socially accepted since I hadn’t had a girlfriend or any real friends for that matter in so long. I’d go there and feel popular or accepted. Never cared on being popular. But hey I felt accepted. People seemed genuinely happy to see me. Not just the friends that worked there but even some of their guests who I knew personally or were friends of my father’s.
So many things happened though. Over the last few months or so I felt uncomfortable. Little did I know that I’d make others feel uncomfortable. That made me upset because I never wanted to do that. Never wanted to make anyone feel like I was wanting more from them. So I made the ultimate decision to walk away. For my own good and for theirs. I still pop in I guess from time to time but for now my life has to change. I have to accept this change and move on. I have to realize that that perfect feeling was too good to be true. Eventually things would fall apart and thats all on me not them. I absolutely miss seeing them often and I know they’ll understand that me popping in randomly is for reasons.
Life evolves just as we do. Nothing is guaranteed nor is happiness and love. I haven’t seeked love anymore in over 10 or so years because its too painful to realize that ill be hurt when the better guy they seek comes along. I just want to make friends male and female and hope that the women I meet know that all I’ll ever feel will be platonic. Yet I always offer my love to those I care about. You could literally throw me under the bus and I’d still come back and treat you like you matter to me because you still would. I just hope to find happiness in life again. I hope that I can accept all the changes life has put forth on me. Another chapter of my life has been written and closed. So if you’re reading this and I’ve hurt your feelings or made you uncomfortable….im sorry….there isn’t much more I can say but simply….I’m sorry.
I hope all the friends I’ve lost or lost communication with over the years will one day stop and think….”you know he was a good guy…..” I’m not perfect. I fuck up. I say shit I shouldn’t sometimes. We all do. We all do things we shouldn’t. I always strive to make everyone happy and fill my friends hearts with love, joy and happiness…I just wish someone would for once do that for me….no strings attached….I just wish I could realize my self worth and take my own advice sometimes…..Thats hard to do. Just once I’d like for someone to smile at me simply platonic and let me know that I mattered to them. That I made a difference in their life for the better….For now though, I endure and move on and only hope that one day I’ll find some sort of balance and happiness but I feel the man upstairs is set on letting me live my final days alone and sad…….