Absence


Well damn I noticed I’ve been posting on here on and off since 2009. Wow! Sadly I wish I had kept it up but ive meant to get back to posting and then I forget. I was hoping in 2020 to post more about my travels and about spending Christmas in Paris but that fell through with COVID. Sadly, I just don’t know what travel will return to normal again. Probably never!

I guess wearing a mask is a small price to pay to be able to get back on the road again. Especially knowing that I won’t be doing it for “work.” I’ve had my days “at the office” and as much as I miss it sometimes, I am done with it. 2020 was such a boring ass year. All I really did was stay home, fly to a few places like Aspen, LA, Nashville, NYC, Seattle and Phoenix. A few more but those were the fun trips. The virus just really changed things.

A good friend told me awhile back that I should be thankful that I’ve been able to travel because others can’t. Made me see how selfish I was about it. I needed that reality check. In the past I had invited friends to come along with me to Europe at no cost to them because I would cover it. I just wanted someone to be around and hang out with. Being a giving person comes with its drawbacks. Most people either think its too much or think im kidding. I took my dad to Russia with me because it was his dream to go there. I don’t know why. He always had a thing for watching movies filmed in Russia or appeared to be. To take him to Red Square and show him around was amazing. Never saw that man grin that much except for when he was watching his fav football team.

The past 3 years of my life have had a lot of absence. People I miss. Mistakes ive made. Im still learning and healing but I recently told my dads friend David that I was now finally coming to terms with his death. His, my grandmothers, my uncle and a few friends ive lost since 2017. Its been quite a journey and many visit to therapy. A suicide attempt that would have been successful had a friend not found me in 2019. While I still need to heal I know I have made some progress and for 2021 I have made some new goals. Goals I promised my dad. I spoke of them before because I wanted to start back then but my mind wasn’t ready emotionally.

I feel now I am ready to take this challenge. Its with my weight. My friends tell me I look younger than my age. I guess I can see that but what I also see is an unhealthy obese man. Ive had female friends tell me I am not fat. Its nice to hear but I always believe they’re just saying that to be nice. Well, thats what I thought before. I still see something I don’t like and that bothers me. I’ve watched videos on YT of guys younger and my age who fought adversity and changed their lives. I fucking know I can do this. I learned to fly small single engine planes. I learned to fly multi-engine jets and currently do. I learned to skydive and earned my Class D Pro license. I’ve BASE jumped off the mountains of Switzerland. So why couldn’t I be able to conquer my weight goal? All the times I said no was because I was mentally not ready. Well now I am. It will take a lot of time, effort, blood, sweat, tears, failure and accomplishment but I’ll reach that plateau and I know I’ll feel better once I do.

If you’re reading this I hope you’re doing well and I hope that in 2021 whatever is bothering you will change. I hope you as well achieve your goals because I want to meet mine. I don’t have a huge support group. I don’t have real friends. Friends that actually enjoy hanging out with me. Sadly, the people who I call friends now are much younger than I am and they surely don’t want to be around me besides when they’re at work. I understand that. Age gaps are tough. Some don’t mind them. I have a few circle of friends that I can hang out with and sometimes when able do. COVID kinda messed that up too. My biggest issue is that I don’t want to push myself onto people when they don’t want me around or if they hate me. Sometimes in life we care for people who maybe at one point cared for us but now they don’t. I don’t really think its personal I think they’re just moving on in life. I…..WE have to respect that. I only want the best for my family and friends and if that means im not part of their life anymore then so be it. I have to still live my life until my last breath.

I’ve said it before. I don’t wanna live long. My dad lived to 66. Just before his 67th birthday. I guess I could see living that long if I had a family and kids but if im alone I’d rather die doing something I love. Flying, skydiving, riding my motorcycle. Its just the mentality ive had in me for so long. We all hurt when we lose people. When they walk away. When they die. It hurts but again, life goes on and we have to go on.

Just days ago was the one year anniversary of Neil Peart’s death. My favorite drummer. His books guided me through so much drama in my life. From losing my friend Paul in 2010 to losing my dad…etc… Just seems fitting again that I use this quote Neil wrote…..

“We’re only immortal for a limited time…..”

Cheers and thanks for reading if you made it this far. I wish you well in 2021. I wish you all the best in your life and journey. Take control of your life and reach for the stars……..

Gill

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