For the past year I have contemplated moving. Moving away from this place. Mainly because I feel there’s nothing more left for me here. Its true I have some friends but as friends we know people move on in life and sometimes move away. Bonds can be maintained but sometimes people just lose contact and eventually forget about one another. Sometimes that scares me but I’ve always believed that your true friends no matter how great a friend they are or not will still want to keep up with you and know that you’re doing good. I know if I leave ill miss my friends and of course hanging out at my usual spot in my same seat. I guess thats a sacrifice ill have to make to better things for myself.
There’s a song I believe that has the lyric “leaving on a jet plane” if I remember right. It popped in my head yesterday and its been on my mind since. The idea of hopping in the plane and saying goodbye and good riddance to this place. Only Im not sure just yet if I am emotionally ready for that. Is one even really ever ready to just up and leave? Sometimes we do it because we just have to get away in hopes of a better life and future somewhere else. That can mean a few miles away or the next city over. It can also mean across the country or around the world.
Last year I was set to spend as much time as I could in Paris. Covid changed that. As an American I think the maximum time is 6 months. I was just looking at 3. Paris is one of my favorite cities. I don’t know why but I just love it there. Plus I have friends who live in the city. It is the last thing on my bucket list to do before I die. I’ve done everything else. Hell I could die happy now. well almost lol. I was just hoping to spend some time there for the holidays and enjoy the snow. Perhaps another time will come in the future.
When I get stressed about life I travel. Either by motorcycle or plane. By motorcycle its just calming. The cool breeze even on a hot day is nice. I also enjoy hopping in my plane. GF1 as I call it. Call me a dork but yeah I call my plane GryllsForceOne. lol. GolfFoxtrotOne I acquired in 2019. I once had a Cirrus SR22. Was a nice plane but I wanted something more. My friend owns the same aircraft and I logged many hours on the deck with him as he taught me to fly it. Working with the manufacturer I was able to get cleared to fly the damn thing. They’re not cheap by any means to maintain but for now its something I enjoy. As my moods have changed ive thought about if I really want to keep maintain it or sell it and go smaller again but I just can’t see doing that. I like having the ability to fly where I want to go faster. Just being a pilot in the air is relaxing for me.
I always travel when I can. Sometimes people say im just running away from my problems. I think they’re right though. I do. I run away from my problems with life and with people. Hoping that in my absence things will change only…..they don’t! I should know better but yeah yeah……..Im stubborn. I mean who isn’t to some degree? My only reason for staying in the beginning was for my dad. Now that he’s gone I just don’t see the point in staying. As I said earlier I do have friends here but there’s a big difference. Age! I’m older than all of them. Most of them are in their mid to late 20s. Here I am in my early 40s. Thanks to all those who tell me I do not look my age because that means a lot lol. I don’t feel my age but I still am that age. Trying to better myself in hopes that it will keep the weight off and keep me looking younger and healthier. I don’t wanna get older and fatter. As I was saying though, my friends are much younger than me. That puts us in a different crowd. I don’t fit into the younger crowd. At least I don’t think I do. Most of the people who work at the restaurant I go to probably think im this old sad fuck who goes to the bar and stays there all day because I have no life. Right now they’re right. I can’t do shit but stay home. Cant really travel. I decided to stay away for awhile because I felt I was looking like that old depressed guy at the bar. A friend told me the other day I looked like I was gonna cry when I went in. I mean wow I didn’t even know I looked that sad. I usually try to mask my emotions but I guess I didn’t that day. Its ok though im glad she told me because I would have hated to be there all that time and looked sad. Others at times would come up to me asking me if I was ok. I guess they noticed that too. I’d always say im good. I was just lying but I don’t want them to worry about me. They have enough to worry about. Work, college, love life, etc. I don’t fit into their lives as much as I once thought I did. In the end im just another guest.
Im so thankful for the friendships ive made over the past 3.5 years. I won’t use their names. Lets just call them Joe, Jim, Paco, Ramon, Taylor, Tiffani, Mary, Kelsey and Ashley. lol. Each of them has their own things going on in life. Many of them are ready to move on to better and bigger things. There will come a day that all these people Ill hardly ever see. Possibly even ever again. If I left on a jet plane to live somewhere else aka HOME, I’d still make it a point to come see them and ask them to hang out but I think about the friends I have that are my age. They have all moved on and live full-time lives now as parents. Family comes first and there’s just not much time for hanging out anymore. Thats good though. Im happy for all my friends who have found happiness in their lives. Its what im searching for everyday. Only I don’t focus on it. I just try to live my life the best I can while I can. I ruined friendships and out of nowhere lost them. Still with no reason as to why. Hell my ex-girlfriend won’t even talk to me these days. I guess that friendship we had withered away. Thats ok though. People move on and evolve. Those chapters of her life that I was part of have been closed. Same as with another friend. Its sad to think about but it is what it is. I don’t have a dad anymore. Only in spirit. I don’t have that person to go on road trips with anymore or to go eat and try out some random restaurant. That was my dad. Its possible I could have had someone to do these things with but I never ask because I always feel they’ll get the wrong idea. I just can’t see doing these things with a male friend because I did these things with my dad. No one can replace him. So I always thought maybe one day I could find that one platonic female friend that would enjoy spending time with a totally dorky fucker like myself. I mean because no one is going to find me attractive as a fat 270 pound cow. Im working on that though lol.
I miss Malibu. I would usually go back and forth often but with COVID I haven’t. Now that the lock down has been lifted I think I can go back and be happy. I guess no matter where you go women want a certain kind of man. Many say they want a trusting man who loves them. Looks don’t matter…only really they do. You know that saying girls say, “if I was single id totally date you…” then when they’re single for awhile and you ask them out they flat out laugh at you and say “yeah right like id be interested in you…..” Then why did you say it? So you lied to make someone feel better. I guess sometimes we seek validation and I guess I’ve sought it more often than others and Im ashamed of that. Here in Texas women like two kind of guys. The buff skinny guy with abs or the really obese guy with a beard who drives a pick up truck and wears a cowboy hat while listening to George Strait. I guess there’s no room for the casual guy who dresses nice with an average body who listen to everything and plays instruments lol.
So I think imma leave on a jet plane….back home to Malibu and say goodbye to this place for awhile. Sit on the beach at night. Maybe get me another dog and a cat. Of course Heathcliff is coming with me. I know I am not ready to permanently move away but at least I think now I can go back and forth and give myself some new atmosphere from time to time. Im not running away from anything. Just moving on……