Leaving on a Jet Plane…..


For the past year I have contemplated moving. Moving away from this place. Mainly because I feel there’s nothing more left for me here. Its true I have some friends but as friends we know people move on in life and sometimes move away. Bonds can be maintained but sometimes people just lose contact and eventually forget about one another. Sometimes that scares me but I’ve always believed that your true friends no matter how great a friend they are or not will still want to keep up with you and know that you’re doing good. I know if I leave ill miss my friends and of course hanging out at my usual spot in my same seat. I guess thats a sacrifice ill have to make to better things for myself.

There’s a song I believe that has the lyric “leaving on a jet plane” if I remember right. It popped in my head yesterday and its been on my mind since. The idea of hopping in the plane and saying goodbye and good riddance to this place. Only Im not sure just yet if I am emotionally ready for that. Is one even really ever ready to just up and leave? Sometimes we do it because we just have to get away in hopes of a better life and future somewhere else. That can mean a few miles away or the next city over. It can also mean across the country or around the world.

Last year I was set to spend as much time as I could in Paris. Covid changed that. As an American I think the maximum time is 6 months. I was just looking at 3. Paris is one of my favorite cities. I don’t know why but I just love it there. Plus I have friends who live in the city. It is the last thing on my bucket list to do before I die. I’ve done everything else. Hell I could die happy now. well almost lol. I was just hoping to spend some time there for the holidays and enjoy the snow. Perhaps another time will come in the future.

When I get stressed about life I travel. Either by motorcycle or plane. By motorcycle its just calming. The cool breeze even on a hot day is nice. I also enjoy hopping in my plane. GF1 as I call it. Call me a dork but yeah I call my plane GryllsForceOne. lol. GolfFoxtrotOne I acquired in 2019. I once had a Cirrus SR22. Was a nice plane but I wanted something more. My friend owns the same aircraft and I logged many hours on the deck with him as he taught me to fly it. Working with the manufacturer I was able to get cleared to fly the damn thing. They’re not cheap by any means to maintain but for now its something I enjoy. As my moods have changed ive thought about if I really want to keep maintain it or sell it and go smaller again but I just can’t see doing that. I like having the ability to fly where I want to go faster. Just being a pilot in the air is relaxing for me.

I always travel when I can. Sometimes people say im just running away from my problems. I think they’re right though. I do. I run away from my problems with life and with people. Hoping that in my absence things will change only…..they don’t! I should know better but yeah yeah……..Im stubborn. I mean who isn’t to some degree? My only reason for staying in the beginning was for my dad. Now that he’s gone I just don’t see the point in staying. As I said earlier I do have friends here but there’s a big difference. Age! I’m older than all of them. Most of them are in their mid to late 20s. Here I am in my early 40s. Thanks to all those who tell me I do not look my age because that means a lot lol. I don’t feel my age but I still am that age. Trying to better myself in hopes that it will keep the weight off and keep me looking younger and healthier. I don’t wanna get older and fatter. As I was saying though, my friends are much younger than me. That puts us in a different crowd. I don’t fit into the younger crowd. At least I don’t think I do. Most of the people who work at the restaurant I go to probably think im this old sad fuck who goes to the bar and stays there all day because I have no life. Right now they’re right. I can’t do shit but stay home. Cant really travel. I decided to stay away for awhile because I felt I was looking like that old depressed guy at the bar. A friend told me the other day I looked like I was gonna cry when I went in. I mean wow I didn’t even know I looked that sad. I usually try to mask my emotions but I guess I didn’t that day. Its ok though im glad she told me because I would have hated to be there all that time and looked sad. Others at times would come up to me asking me if I was ok. I guess they noticed that too. I’d always say im good. I was just lying but I don’t want them to worry about me. They have enough to worry about. Work, college, love life, etc. I don’t fit into their lives as much as I once thought I did. In the end im just another guest.

Im so thankful for the friendships ive made over the past 3.5 years. I won’t use their names. Lets just call them Joe, Jim, Paco, Ramon, Taylor, Tiffani, Mary, Kelsey and Ashley. lol. Each of them has their own things going on in life. Many of them are ready to move on to better and bigger things. There will come a day that all these people Ill hardly ever see. Possibly even ever again. If I left on a jet plane to live somewhere else aka HOME, I’d still make it a point to come see them and ask them to hang out but I think about the friends I have that are my age. They have all moved on and live full-time lives now as parents. Family comes first and there’s just not much time for hanging out anymore. Thats good though. Im happy for all my friends who have found happiness in their lives. Its what im searching for everyday. Only I don’t focus on it. I just try to live my life the best I can while I can. I ruined friendships and out of nowhere lost them. Still with no reason as to why. Hell my ex-girlfriend won’t even talk to me these days. I guess that friendship we had withered away. Thats ok though. People move on and evolve. Those chapters of her life that I was part of have been closed. Same as with another friend. Its sad to think about but it is what it is. I don’t have a dad anymore. Only in spirit. I don’t have that person to go on road trips with anymore or to go eat and try out some random restaurant. That was my dad. Its possible I could have had someone to do these things with but I never ask because I always feel they’ll get the wrong idea. I just can’t see doing these things with a male friend because I did these things with my dad. No one can replace him. So I always thought maybe one day I could find that one platonic female friend that would enjoy spending time with a totally dorky fucker like myself. I mean because no one is going to find me attractive as a fat 270 pound cow. Im working on that though lol.

I miss Malibu. I would usually go back and forth often but with COVID I haven’t. Now that the lock down has been lifted I think I can go back and be happy. I guess no matter where you go women want a certain kind of man. Many say they want a trusting man who loves them. Looks don’t matter…only really they do. You know that saying girls say, “if I was single id totally date you…” then when they’re single for awhile and you ask them out they flat out laugh at you and say “yeah right like id be interested in you…..” Then why did you say it? So you lied to make someone feel better. I guess sometimes we seek validation and I guess I’ve sought it more often than others and Im ashamed of that. Here in Texas women like two kind of guys. The buff skinny guy with abs or the really obese guy with a beard who drives a pick up truck and wears a cowboy hat while listening to George Strait. I guess there’s no room for the casual guy who dresses nice with an average body who listen to everything and plays instruments lol.

So I think imma leave on a jet plane….back home to Malibu and say goodbye to this place for awhile. Sit on the beach at night. Maybe get me another dog and a cat. Of course Heathcliff is coming with me. I know I am not ready to permanently move away but at least I think now I can go back and forth and give myself some new atmosphere from time to time. Im not running away from anything. Just moving on……

Cheers….

G

Adapting


Over the past month I have been trying to change many things about myself. I’ve grown tired of always looking the same. The only thing is I am not where I want to be in order to make these changes 100%. Yet. Ive been sticking to a lifestyle change that has me eating in ways I never really could have before. I never really was big on over eating. I drank all my calories with sodas. Now here I am eating tons of protein, fruits and veggies. Only now I actually enjoy it.

Over the past year I have come to the conclusion that many things in my life had to change. My feelings, my lifestyle, my sense of fashion or lack thereof. lol. It feels nice to wear smaller clothes. Nicer clothes. New shoes and of course new shirts. I’m just not ready to the change yet. I can’t wait for the day I can wear casual form fitting t-shirts and not feel shitty about how I look. For years I’ve been told im not fat. People say things like that to make you feel better when in actuality they do think you are fat. I had one friend flat out tell me I was fat. I didn’t get mad though. At least not at her. I got mad at myself for being a fuck up. For letting myself go for so many years. Once an athletic guy who didn’t have to worry about weight and now so upset with how much I have gained.

Depression is a real thing. I think I can safely say I have overcome much of it but I do fall into slumps here and there. I think I am sort of in it now. Yet I still feel confident enough to continue with my daily life and new way of living. I don’t have the support from my family. Just Facebook and Instagram friends. Its kind of sad that the people you care about the most, family and friends, just don’t care anymore. As I’ve said before though….you just have to move on and let it go. People will care for you and support you. Then one day you don’t fit into their life and you’re just a distant memory…if even that.

Earlier tonight I was standing around at the bar of the restaurant I visit regularly. My friends Amber, Gabe, Michael and Johnny work there. These are the people I probably see most often than my own family. Many of them recognized changes in my weight, my appearance and my overall attitude. Honestly not much has changed I just got sick of being fat and predictable. In the past 3.5 years or so I have seen many people come and go from there. Some im still friends with and others not so. It’s hard for me to unfriend someone because I care too much for people. It takes a lot of hate, anger, resentment or whatever before I decide to remove someone from my life. Sadly, some family and friends removed themselves from mine. It hurts me daily to know that I lost them. I miss them dearly. I try too hard to stay in the good graces of those I care about. The fear of losing someone scares me. It happens though.

When people let you go from their lives its for good. That bond will never be the same. Just let them be. Let them live their lives and just wish them well. Its hard but you have to do it. I struggle with this daily. There’s a song from the 90s I think from BoysIIMen called “Its So Hard to Say Goodbye….” Man it truly is.. Its hard to say goodbye to people you love and cherish. Love is not always romance. Love isn’t always about intimacy. Love is about caring for people who touch your life and make you feel special. In return to strive to make them feel special. Love is a hard trait to accept and to give. So many of us have been hurt by people that we don’t want to love or care for others. We avoid it. We build walls. We miss out on people who truly care about us because we can’t see the good in them. I only hope for all the people who let me go that one day they will realize that I am a good person. I’m a loving person that just wants the same respect back as I give to them. It’s not much to ask for. Its sad that family turns their back on you. Well in this case me. Its sad that friends let little misunderstandings change the outlook of a friendship. Its sad that family can get jealous of someone.

All my life I’ve tried to adapt to this life. This world we live in. Im not doing a very good job. Ive made so many mistakes. I’ve hurt people and ruined friendships. I’ve lost friends for reasons I don’t even know. One day a friend texts me and says “hey lets go have lunch then go shopping….” then the next she doesn’t even care to talk to me. Why? What did I do? Yet I still cared too much that when she had no where else to turn I put groceries in her home. Not even a thank you after that. But I walked away knowing I did something good even if she didn’t appreciate it. Can I be honest with you? Im sick of trying to adapt to things. Im sick of trying to be worthy enough to people. Im sick of just trying to be accepted. I won’t lie, there’s still days I wake up and grab my pistol and sit on the edge of my bed and think of putting it under my chin and pulling the trigger. Its hard to continue moving on when you don’t feel there’s much to move on for.

Ive been trying to adapt to a new life because I hate who I am. I hate what I see but I am trying to cope with who and where I am right now. So I can achieve my goals. I just want someone to care about me. Someone who wants to genuinely hang out with me. Someone who will text me and say hey what’s up lets chill or hang out. I miss having those kind of bonds. I miss being accepted. Only I have to learn to adapt and care for myself more before others will care for me. I had this mentality for the longest time that if I lose weight then perhaps someone will find me cute enough to date. That someone will want to be around me. I see so many guys that I just can’t understand how they have a girlfriend yet here I am single. But as I probably said in my last post….money doesn’t buy happiness. It buys you temporary joy. I told a friend a while back that it seems girls want either the skinny buff guy with abs who treats them like total shit or they want the really obese guy who wears cowboy hats and has a shit ton of facial hair he looks like ZZ Top. lol. I fall in the middle and it seems like there’s just no love for guys like me.

They say some people die of a broken heart. Sometimes I think that will be me. I try to adapt to this life but I think that one day when everyone I know least expects it…..they’re gonna find out that I killed myself and I won’t leave any note as to why. I want to adapt but I really don’t have much left to live for. I’ve enjoyed life. Traveled. Done my bucket list 100%. Well 99%. I gave up on ever finding love because no one will ever love a guy like me. I’m too nice. I’m not attractive. I still hope to change some things but if I fail I seriously will say don’t be surprised if you’re attending my funeral…..

Thats the depressive me speaking. I still need to find the extra strength and confidence to keep going. I wake up everyday feeling like I have a purpose in this life for now. I’ll never have what I consider the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes but I hope to….one day. I just need to keep my head up and keep doing what I am now so I can avoid that depressive state I feel. I just hope I find happiness one day. I hope I reach my goal of weight loss or at least come close to it and that someone will find me worthy of her time because ill spend lifetime showing her how much I love her…..BUT……..I have to adapt to these changes in my life. I have to continue to move forward rather than back. I have to stop thinking negative thoughts. Im not perfect. No one is. Just please let me find the strength and faith to be a better person…. Please let me find my happy place. Let me adapt into the person I dream to be……

Absence


Well damn I noticed I’ve been posting on here on and off since 2009. Wow! Sadly I wish I had kept it up but ive meant to get back to posting and then I forget. I was hoping in 2020 to post more about my travels and about spending Christmas in Paris but that fell through with COVID. Sadly, I just don’t know what travel will return to normal again. Probably never!

I guess wearing a mask is a small price to pay to be able to get back on the road again. Especially knowing that I won’t be doing it for “work.” I’ve had my days “at the office” and as much as I miss it sometimes, I am done with it. 2020 was such a boring ass year. All I really did was stay home, fly to a few places like Aspen, LA, Nashville, NYC, Seattle and Phoenix. A few more but those were the fun trips. The virus just really changed things.

A good friend told me awhile back that I should be thankful that I’ve been able to travel because others can’t. Made me see how selfish I was about it. I needed that reality check. In the past I had invited friends to come along with me to Europe at no cost to them because I would cover it. I just wanted someone to be around and hang out with. Being a giving person comes with its drawbacks. Most people either think its too much or think im kidding. I took my dad to Russia with me because it was his dream to go there. I don’t know why. He always had a thing for watching movies filmed in Russia or appeared to be. To take him to Red Square and show him around was amazing. Never saw that man grin that much except for when he was watching his fav football team.

The past 3 years of my life have had a lot of absence. People I miss. Mistakes ive made. Im still learning and healing but I recently told my dads friend David that I was now finally coming to terms with his death. His, my grandmothers, my uncle and a few friends ive lost since 2017. Its been quite a journey and many visit to therapy. A suicide attempt that would have been successful had a friend not found me in 2019. While I still need to heal I know I have made some progress and for 2021 I have made some new goals. Goals I promised my dad. I spoke of them before because I wanted to start back then but my mind wasn’t ready emotionally.

I feel now I am ready to take this challenge. Its with my weight. My friends tell me I look younger than my age. I guess I can see that but what I also see is an unhealthy obese man. Ive had female friends tell me I am not fat. Its nice to hear but I always believe they’re just saying that to be nice. Well, thats what I thought before. I still see something I don’t like and that bothers me. I’ve watched videos on YT of guys younger and my age who fought adversity and changed their lives. I fucking know I can do this. I learned to fly small single engine planes. I learned to fly multi-engine jets and currently do. I learned to skydive and earned my Class D Pro license. I’ve BASE jumped off the mountains of Switzerland. So why couldn’t I be able to conquer my weight goal? All the times I said no was because I was mentally not ready. Well now I am. It will take a lot of time, effort, blood, sweat, tears, failure and accomplishment but I’ll reach that plateau and I know I’ll feel better once I do.

If you’re reading this I hope you’re doing well and I hope that in 2021 whatever is bothering you will change. I hope you as well achieve your goals because I want to meet mine. I don’t have a huge support group. I don’t have real friends. Friends that actually enjoy hanging out with me. Sadly, the people who I call friends now are much younger than I am and they surely don’t want to be around me besides when they’re at work. I understand that. Age gaps are tough. Some don’t mind them. I have a few circle of friends that I can hang out with and sometimes when able do. COVID kinda messed that up too. My biggest issue is that I don’t want to push myself onto people when they don’t want me around or if they hate me. Sometimes in life we care for people who maybe at one point cared for us but now they don’t. I don’t really think its personal I think they’re just moving on in life. I…..WE have to respect that. I only want the best for my family and friends and if that means im not part of their life anymore then so be it. I have to still live my life until my last breath.

I’ve said it before. I don’t wanna live long. My dad lived to 66. Just before his 67th birthday. I guess I could see living that long if I had a family and kids but if im alone I’d rather die doing something I love. Flying, skydiving, riding my motorcycle. Its just the mentality ive had in me for so long. We all hurt when we lose people. When they walk away. When they die. It hurts but again, life goes on and we have to go on.

Just days ago was the one year anniversary of Neil Peart’s death. My favorite drummer. His books guided me through so much drama in my life. From losing my friend Paul in 2010 to losing my dad…etc… Just seems fitting again that I use this quote Neil wrote…..

“We’re only immortal for a limited time…..”

Cheers and thanks for reading if you made it this far. I wish you well in 2021. I wish you all the best in your life and journey. Take control of your life and reach for the stars……..

Gill