Lately I have been feeling pretty down. Its hard to imagine someone that I looked up to and shared great memories with is gone. I guess I will never get over that. Most people dont get over death, they just learn to cope. I think right now I am in that coping stage. I can find myself being happy as ever during the day and the next moment i break out in tears thinking of Paul. Not only as a human being but also his music impacted me. Having the utmost pleasure of knowing him……it was an honor. I always thought of his laugh as sort of a Butt-head laugh. lol. I find myself jamming to the music as hard as before and yet when its over i feel about as weak and sad as a person that just lost someone.
I think for me I need more closure. I need to go back to visit his grave and say somethings I never got to say before. Things I never got to say before he died. We tend to take for granted the people in our lives imagining they will always be there throughout our entire life then they are gone. Nothing in life ever prepares you for that. Nothing. I always have this macho persona and I keep things bottled up for so long. Lately I think those feelings need to come out. I cant discuss those feelings with all of you. Many of you wont understand or wont even care to understand. Ive tried to talk to some about it but hesitated because i’d probably just get rolling eyes. I really cant talk to anyone about everything because who can really relate to it all? I’d figure only someone that cared for the guy as much as I did could understand. I wish I could be on that motorcycle in Switzerland again taking that 300+ mile journey into the Swiss Alps. Views to die for which I spend moments thinking about these things. I videoed a few parts of those roads for myself and to one day share with others. You all see the beauty of this little country through my camera eye, reference to Rush, but my mind was on other things. Like one instance where I nearly forgot how to brake and downshift on the bike when a large group of people was crossing the street near Interlaken.
I wont rant on and on but to those of you who have loved ones you really care about which should be all of you lol…..dont take them for granted. One day they will not be here. Spend all the time with those people as you can. I wish I could have but thats just not how the cards were played. All I can do is cope with that and hope to god, allah….or who ever that there is a better place than this. Life is too short. Now as I bid you all a goodnight im off to shower, read on the kindle a bit and then go to sleep. Need to buy some Arctic Silver 5 to see if that helps my PC CPU.
Goodnight friends. SOrry I dont have pics to post. I do but since i have been re-working on my system I dont have everything organized just yet.