not in a sad mood. just was inspired to write this post after watching a movie last night which i will mention in the post.
Are you single? Divorced? Married but not happy? I think many of us today are in this situation. We seem to be happy with our current lives emotionally but deep down there are those demons within that we cant get past. We fool our friends and family into believing that we are ok. Many factors cause these thoughts. Some of use are overweight, maybe underweight, used, cheated on…etc. We let these feelings control our lives and our destiny.
For me, im 34. Not in great shape and right now there is not much I can do about that. I need surgery in my ankle to repair a ligament that is causing me pain and discomfort which has kept me from continuing on with my P90X workouts. Sure I could do the workouts but its not worth the pain of not being able to walk the next day. That’s how bad it gets. Many of you know my last relationship ended in 2002. Ive since been single for many reasons. One being cheating women. Sure not all women cheat but after seeing the track record most of my friends have been through its not a very encouraging though. So I have kept from any dating for that very reason. Days go by and im just fine. Then days go by that I feel like shit. Thus going back to what I stated in the first paragraph of this post. We hide our thoughts and emotions. Many of us hoping that that special person will come into our lives or come back into our lives.
Last night I watched a very good movie that showed feelings of many emotions. From great happy moments. Laughing and joking to heartbreaking and mournful ones. Im talking about Why Did I Get Married Too by Tyler Perry. This guy makes amazing movies and I really think this second movie hit it right on the button for a perfect movie about married life and dating life in general. They all meet up for their annual “Why did we get married” vacation and in the end one couple announces a divorce, another cheats on her husband, another doesn’t trust her husband and an ex-husband who couldn’t live without his ex-wife comes back to see her. All along hiding the fact that he was dying of cancer. Janet Jackson plays the wife of the couple getting the divorce and she and her husband were arguing over money she made from a book. They had lost a child that died and in the end, she embarrasses him at his office. He walks out of his office and gets in his car and speeds away. Moments later he is hit by a uhaul truck and eventually dies. That was a powerful moment of the movie. Just as when he was drinking and attacked his wife. The raw emotion of what people really go through is at times unbearable to see or hear about. Its reality. Tyler Perry hit that reality perfect in this movie.
I refuse to date because although I know I am a stronger individual now, I still cant let go of the fact that someone in my life still means everything to me and today I cant have her back. I know this. Its that thought of knowing the truth that hurts. I don’t compare other women to her but whether you’re a man or woman, someone has to really have hit you right in the heart for them to take it because even in the event of a split they give you your heart back but we refuse to take it back. That’s me. That’s many of us. We chase after things we cant have simply for the thrill of seeing if we can have it. Im not enjoying that anymore. My heart is really just too tired to move on. Hence why I have stayed single. We can say we will be fine single and for the most part with good positive people around us we can and will be ok but there will always be times we miss the affection and the smallest of things. Maybe that post it on the bedside, or that small kiss goodbye. Maybe even something like a corny gift that gets you right where it counts.
We all know that we have to move on in our lives. People that were once our present are now our past. Some of those people remain in our lives as friends. That can be a good thing and a bad. Good because there are many good memories still to be made but bad because we think of those that we once shared so intimately. Life is cruel only to be kind, thus bad begins and worst remains behind. That’s a quote from Hamlet my favorite play by William Shakespeare. It’s the scene where Hamlet has just killed Polonius “dead for a ducat…dead” and explains to his mother about his rage of her sleeping with his father’s brother and how he is responsible for his death. About a year ago I wrote another blog called Open Road Isolation. A blog that I wrote while motorcycling. This blog and that one are similar in thought. Why would I write something so similar? I guess because its whats on my mind now.
Since June 29th I have rode just about 15,000 miles by motorcycle across the United States and in Canada. Those rides were very relaxing and calming. Giving me time to think about my past and my future. They also allowed me to think of my friends that are no longer here. Like Paul Gray for example. Even when riding with two other people it can feel lonely. I haven’t exactly reached best friends status with the guys but I will take what I can get. Its an honor alone to be with them when I am. I find myself traveling a lot on my own. For my own reasons. Breaking off away from the group and seeing different areas. Allowing myself to think about the things that haunt me. So your probably there thinking I think just negative thoughts. Well sometimes I do but the majority of the time they are happy thoughts. It’s the thrill of going to some new place ive never been. I cant recall the number of times Ive been to a town called London or Syracuse instead of Syracuse NY. Its interesting to see these places. Not big cities but little towns named after such larger places. There is a thrill to turning the key and starting the motorcycle and putting on a helmet and just riding away somewhere different. It’s a great way to get rid of those horrible nasty thoughts we keep locked up.
In the end we cant let these emotions control our lives. Ive accepted that I cant make anyone happy. Im fat, ugly and jealous. About the worst combination that can ever be put together. I once made someone happy but that ended with my jealousy. Today I still worry about things that I shouldn’t. It’s a rough road but one im still riding down and will continue for a while. I honestly believe I would rather stay single because there is only one person I truly ever cared about and I lost her 8 years ago. Not her friendship but that side that I still crave at times. My friends, don’t give up. No matter what situation your in you cant give up. There is life out there. There is more life for us to live and experience. Be strong and remember that if something truly was meant to be then it would be in your grasps now. If has come and gone then it wasn’t. People come and go in our lives but our friends are always there. Even if that friend is someone you love but cant have. Rely on your friends and they will support you.